Who has time for production projections and standings predictions? Strait Jackets is here to bring you the hard-hitting important things: ten completely serious predictions about this season. You know you agree.

  1. Artem Anisimov will receive the jersey-tuck penalty so many times that the equipment staff will be forced to create a uniform onesie to keep him out of the box.

    Prototype for Anisimov’s new uniform.

  2. Black Tie Blue Jackets will feature an epic plaid suit-off between James Wisniewski and Brandon Dubinsky.
  3. Visiting fans will constantly be confused about why Nationwide Arena appears to be booing every time Boone “Grown Ass Man” Jenner does something awesome. (So, often.)
  4. “Mike Foligno” and “Ryan Yohansen” will have huge seasons. Too bad they’re not really Blue Jackets.
  5. Nathan Horton will not hear a “who?” but rather, a “woo!” once he makes his season debut.

    Everybody was kung fu fighting.

    Everybody was kung fu fighting.

  6. On November 7, at least one member of the New York Rangers will mistakenly enter the wrong dressing room, Rick Nash will stare creepily into the Fox Sports Ohio cameras one last time, Jared Boll and Derek Dorsett will have a throw-down to end all throw-downs, and everyone will need Pepto Bismol by the end of the evening.
  7. Cam Atkinson will be confused for a Future Jacket no fewer than five times, no matter how many times the security crew is reminded he’s really a Current Jacket.

    (Photo: ~kexiaohuax3/deviantart)

  8. At least one player will win NHL hardware, and at least one will win some Olympic bling.
  9. An unnamed player will have to be reminded that hybrid icing is a new game rule and not a Tim Horton’s donut feature.
  10. Leo Welsh will sing the national anthem at Nationwide Arena more than 41 times.

 

 

 

 

 

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