COLUMBUS, Ohio – The Columbus Blue Jackets have announced that five weeks into their grueling postseason head coaching search, they have finally hired Todd Richards as their permanent coach. Highly regarded as the one of the marquis job openings in the NHL this offseason, the team was forced to reject offers from Bruce Boudreau, Mike Babcock, and John Tortorella.

“Ultimately, we wanted the guy with the least amount of professional experience and success,” said General Manager Scott Howson. “We didn’t have the resources or budget to install a trophy cabinet in the coach’s office, so hiring Todd saved us a lot of money.” Added Howson, “The organization did take into careful consideration the tens of thousands of opinions submitted by the great fans of Columbus, but Todd best exemplifies what the great city of Columbus is known for: very little.”

“After all,” added advisor Craig Patrick, “This is about failing. Every morning Scott and I ask ourselves – what mistakes can we make today? We’re very confident in this one.”