MONTREAL — After the Columbus Blue Jackets clawed back from a 3-0 deficit to tie, then ultimately lose tonight’s match-up against the Montreal Canadiens, General Manager Jarmo Kekalainen held a brief press conference to address immediate issues with the team.
As a response to the outcry on Twitter about the team’s lack of named captaincy, Kekalainen declared he will be naming a captain immediately after the morning skate tomorrow. “Once our equipment crew is able to fashion a ‘C’ onto a jersey, we will name him,” he told Strait Jackets. “We’ve decided that it’s pivotal to name a captain in order to score more goals than the opposing team. It just has to happen.”
Additionally, he announced the signing of 77 year-old Vaclav “Vinny” Prospal. The left winger from the Czech Republic has played 4,512 games in the NHL, and scored ninety-seven goals for the Blue Jackets in 2013. “His contract offer was lost,” Kekalainen explains when asked why Prospal wasn’t signed sooner. “I forgot to dial the Czech country code on my fax machine. We’re incredibly honored to have our Lord and Saviour return to the club. He should make an immediate impact.”
Prospal will be in the lineup Saturday at Washington, starting alongside Captain Jared Boll. Expect the Blue Jackets to win by ten.
Mark Letestu: How important is this guy to the team? Not only does he play everywhere Todd Richards puts him, he plays hard and he produces. With a goal in regulation to get the Jackets on the board and one in the shootout, Mark Letestu is our #1 stud tonight.
Cam Atkinson: That shootout game-winner was a beaut. But prior to that, he was a pivotal part of a line with Gaborik & Dubinsky that threw a lot of shots toward the net (6 SOG, 7 A/B, 2 MS).
The first and second periods: blech. The defensive zone play was abysmal. Scrambling, sloppy, lazy, distracted. It wasn’t until Letestu’s goal that there was any life breathed into them.
Ryan Murray: I’m not writing him off. I know it’s early. But he’s nothing like the Ryan Murray we saw in preseason. He’s got to get better, or I’d be content sending him off to Springfield for a little seasoning once Tyutin is back to speed.
Who has time for production projections and standings predictions? Strait Jackets is here to bring you the hard-hitting important things: ten completely serious predictions about this season. You know you agree.
- Artem Anisimov will receive the jersey-tuck penalty so many times that the equipment staff will be forced to create a uniform onesie to keep him out of the box.
Prototype for Anisimov’s new uniform.
- Black Tie Blue Jackets will feature an epic plaid suit-off between James Wisniewski and Brandon Dubinsky.
- Visiting fans will constantly be confused about why Nationwide Arena appears to be booing every time Boone “Grown Ass Man” Jenner does something awesome. (So, often.)
- “Mike Foligno” and “Ryan Yohansen” will have huge seasons. Too bad they’re not really Blue Jackets.
- Nathan Horton will not hear a “who?” but rather, a “woo!” once he makes his season debut.
Everybody was kung fu fighting.
- On November 7, at least one member of the New York Rangers will mistakenly enter the wrong dressing room, Rick Nash will stare creepily into the Fox Sports Ohio cameras one last time, Jared Boll and Derek Dorsett will have a throw-down to end all throw-downs, and everyone will need Pepto Bismol by the end of the evening.
- Cam Atkinson will be confused for a Future Jacket no fewer than five times, no matter how many times the security crew is reminded he’s really a Current Jacket.
- At least one player will win NHL hardware, and at least one will win some Olympic bling.
- An unnamed player will have to be reminded that hybrid icing is a new game rule and not a Tim Horton’s donut feature.
- Leo Welsh will sing the national anthem at Nationwide Arena more than 41 times.