LIGHT ‘EM UP: Jarmo responds

MONTREAL — After the Columbus Blue Jackets clawed back from a 3-0 deficit to tie, then ultimately lose tonight’s match-up against the Montreal Canadiens, General Manager Jarmo Kekalainen held a brief press conference to address immediate issues with the team.

As a response to the outcry on Twitter about the team’s lack of named captaincy, Kekalainen declared he will be naming a captain immediately after the morning skate tomorrow. “Once our equipment crew is able to fashion a ‘C’ onto a jersey, we will name him,” he told Strait Jackets. “We’ve decided that it’s pivotal to name a captain in order to score more goals than the opposing team. It just has to happen.”

Additionally, he announced the signing of 77 year-old Vaclav “Vinny” Prospal. The left winger from the Czech Republic has played 4,512 games in the NHL, and scored ninety-seven goals for the Blue Jackets in 2013. “His contract offer was lost,” Kekalainen explains when asked why Prospal wasn’t signed sooner. “I forgot to dial the Czech country code on my fax machine. We’re incredibly honored to have our Lord and Saviour return to the club. He should make an immediate impact.”

Prospal will be in the lineup Saturday at Washington, starting alongside Captain Jared Boll. Expect the Blue Jackets to win by ten.