Come to Ricky.

1. Rick Nash will stare longingly into the FSO Cameras an astounding and terrifying 1,372 times.

2. Scott Howson will accidentally pull the wrong Russell aside to tell him he’s been demoted to Springfield. And then demote the other just to save face.

3. Jared Boll will go 1-20. In fights, not points.

Oh... Oh... Ohio State!

4. Jeff Carter will consume 465 gallons of Bud Light (ugh…), and the Ohio State freshman class’ female persuasion will be the happiest it’s ever been.

5. Mike Commodore will be just as slow and crappy as ever and continue to think he’s attractive to young women in their 20s, and that buyout will look better every day.

6. Rick Nash and Jeff Carter will combine for 81 goals and 77 highlights for Skraut’s next video.

Ah, f#@K, not again...

7. The Ghost of Christian Backman Past will again possess the body of one CBJ defenseman, despite numerous attempts at exorcism.

8. On one of their two (2!) Versus appearances, Eddie Olczyk will refer to James Wisniewski as Espen Knutsen, and Mark Dekanich as Ron Tugnutt.

9. The team will score a record-high amount of “goal scorer’s goals.”

10. The Blue Jackets will unveil a new way to enshrine themselves in a brand new embarrassing phallic reference.

 

Oops.

Any other predictions for this year? Fire away!

The Newbs:
  1. James Wisniewski: Pretty much an essential, maybe not deserving of the 5.5 per, but worth it. As in, he just gets the PP, and if the Jackets didn’t pony it up, he was going to get it elsewhere and their problems would still be unsolved. Plus he seems pretty stoked about coming to Columbus which is, like, Chicken Soup for the Blue Jackets Fan’s Soul (ya hear, JCarter?). And he is proof that not all things from the State of Michigan have to be nasty. Okay?!
  2. Curtis Sanford: This is one of those times when Scott Howson reads my Twitter feed and listened to me, except that he signed him as a #3. (That’s okay – I can dig it.) Sandman is a little old (relatively speaking, so stop making that face and taking it personally), and has been a pro since 1999 (Steve Mason was, like, 11). He’s played backup in Vancouver to Roberto Luongo, and split duties for a few years in St. Louis. The last two, however, he was a mainstay in the Hamilton Bulldogs crease until an injury ended his year. He won 23 and 22 games the last two years with Hamilton, respectively and led the team to consecutive regular-season division Championships and onto Conference Finals, while mentoring a young Cedrick Desjardins and Robert Mayer.
  3. Mark Dekanich: 25, signed on to be Stevie Mason’s backup goalie. 1 game of NHL experience – OH MY GAWD THE WORLD IS ENDING –  but he has over 100 pretty solid ones in the AHL and from personal experience having seen one of his games in the ECHL – he has quick reflexes. Comes from the Nashville Predators Center For Kids Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Play Goal Good Too and was a back up back up to Pekka Rinne. Obviously this guy’s not going to carry the load, but he should be in prime form to step up to the challenge. Oh, and he’s on Twitter. @dexshow
  4. Some minor league guys: Mostly the rest is depth, nothing even worth making fun of except Aaron Johnson, who had his Best Year Ever in the AHL last year, but had some mediocre years in the NHL. But he’s BFFs with Rick Nash, so he’ll probably be starting on D every night. Just kidding. I hope.
The Departed:
  1. Jan Hejda: $3.25M x 4 years, Colorado Avalanche. Really? asdksjfdsjgdfg… HAHA, WHAT? Rumored he was wanting the big bucks to stay in Columbus, but those big bucks needed to be used for an upgrade. His $2M payday last year seemed fair. If he wanted long-term in Columbus, sticking at $2M would have been cool. But a raise AND lengthy deal? For a guy who is getting progressively worse? Maybe the altitude will be good for him…?
  2. Scottie Upshall: $3.5M x 4 years, Florida Panthers. Hated to see him go, but… he was a little redundant in the Top 6 and too expensive for the Bottom 6. Would have loved to keep him for his old salary of $2.25M, but… yeah. Have fun on the beach.
  3. Mathieu Garon: $1.3M x 2 years, Tampa Bay Lightning. :(
  4. Mike Commodore: $1M x 1 years, Detroit Red Wings. We’re paying him more than they are! Hello, indigestion. Positive this will be a bite-in-the-ass someday when he’s motivated to try playing aggressively and smartly… oh, wait, HAHA. Carry on.

1. The Predators are (maybe) in trouble, or are perhaps pulling an imitation of the Blackhawks, and have screwed up their QOs. (Qualifying offers, for those of you who don’t do acronyms.) Apparently, the Predators have some difficulty discerning the difference between how a fax machine and FedEx work. Suppose we’ll let them slide, it is only 1981 in Tennessee, afterall. Please, nobody tell them about email for a while.

2. Wisniewski. Yeah, he totally played for one of those Canadian teams a certain person around here (ahem) seems particularly fond of. Spelling his name is today’s daunting task. Spelling test will be administered shortly after the conclusion of his contract signing, so read up on Porty and Reed retweeting each other today. Seriously though, he seems familiar with this “power play” thing that has become exinct in Columbus, so ultimately Scott Howson should do whatever it takes to make good with this guy, even if it means a year’s supply of Buckeyes co-eds. Wait, wrong acquisition. Whatever, sign him, bro.

3. Ciao, Commodore: He’s been placed on waivers (again), this time the buy-out kind (cue scary Halloween ominous music). So long, Commie. It’s been real, and it’s been fun, but it hasn’t been real fun. We should’ve known this would end badly when we saw those dollar bills haphazardly strewn across his jungle of wiry burnt orange hairs.