With training camp just one (!!!) short week away, and players already taking to the Nationwide Arena ice for informal practices, and there now being not one but two (!!!) Russells around, your fangirl-in-chief here decided it would be a good idea to step up to the plate and make a study guide in case you’re faced with the awkward situation of a Russell without the benefit of a nameplate, and don’t want to be that guy. Without further ado, we present, “Know Your Russell.”
1. Rick Nash will stare longingly into the FSO Cameras an astounding and terrifying 1,372 times.
2. Scott Howson will accidentally pull the wrong Russell aside to tell him he’s been demoted to Springfield. And then demote the other just to save face.
3. Jared Boll will go 1-20. In fights, not points.
4. Jeff Carter will consume 465 gallons of Bud Light (ugh…), and the Ohio State freshman class’ female persuasion will be the happiest it’s ever been.
5. Mike Commodore will be just as slow and crappy as ever and continue to think he’s attractive to young women in their 20s, and that buyout will look better every day.
6. Rick Nash and Jeff Carter will combine for 81 goals and 77 highlights for Skraut’s next video.
7. The Ghost of Christian Backman Past will again possess the body of one CBJ defenseman, despite numerous attempts at exorcism.
8. On one of their two (2!) Versus appearances, Eddie Olczyk will refer to James Wisniewski as Espen Knutsen, and Mark Dekanich as Ron Tugnutt.
9. The team will score a record-high amount of “goal scorer’s goals.”
10. The Blue Jackets will unveil a new way to enshrine themselves in a brand new embarrassing phallic reference.
Any other predictions for this year? Fire away!